Editor’s note: Sometimes our writers suffer from mild mental breakdowns from constantly playing video games and writing about them and end up writing pointless pieces that are meant to be entertaining but are really symptomatic of being bored and in a sleep deprived state with too little blood in their caffeine stream. Articles written under these conditions typically go ignored, but occasionally we will publish the least worst of them.
Recently I spent some time with fellow Hardcore Gamer writer Jason Bohn’s current favorite game Ghostbusters. The level we played, which was appropriately named A Three Hour Tour, ended prematurely due to the game crashing, which was something Jason had lamented did not happen to him in his review. The nature of this stage caused a few questions to come to mind. The first was regarding the logistics of building such an enormous ship. The three hour tour must have been in reference in how long it takes to walk from one end of the boat to another since this level would not end and we speculated this boat is actually bigger than any body of water it could possibly occupy. The next question dealt with a more important issue and led to much more speculation and debate. This extremely important question was about the toilets.
On this cruise they had a few communal bathrooms with multiple toilets and no dividers between them. Perhaps they ran out of materials to build proper stalls between toilets or walls between bathrooms since this ship is big enough to transport multiple aircraft carriers, but that is not the issue that has led to many sleepless nights. The question that burns with the intensity of experience of passing whatever this substance might be is why are the toilet bowls filled with a glowing green substance?
Seriously, I have seen some atrociable things in public toilets in my travels throughout the world. I will spare you the details of horrors I’ve seen, but I have never encountered anything that caused the entire bowl to emit a green glow. Nothing that comes out of a human should glow. The first question was naturally what are the chefs preparing? This is how every toilet looked so if food is the cause it has to be made on the ship. Is it radioactive? Is that why there are so many ghosts that need busting on this ship, because the head chef is a serial killer and he made radioactive food to kill all the passengers and the ghosts are occupying this ship because their killer needs to be brought to justice before they can rest? In that case, these Ghostbusters are a bunch of a jerks since they’re trapping a bunch of tormented souls unable to find peace while their killer remains at large. Their lives came to a cruel and presumably painful untimely end, but even in death they are hunted like animals just so the animal control equivalent for dealing with the living impaired can make a buck.
The other theory that was discussed is the toilets are filled with ectopoop. Initially this theory makes sense, since after all the original Ghostbusters movie established that ghosts leave ectoplasm, aka slime, when they have contact with corporeal beings. The glowing green substance in the toilets is nothing to be alarmed by at least in regards to health code violations, it is simply the ship is populated by a bunch of ghosts with clock-like regularity that simply do not understand the etiquette of flushing the toilet. Or are unable to because they can’t physically operate the flusher. Or take the saying if it’s brown, flush it down too literally and consciously choose not to flush because it is green.
The problem with that answer is that it is just stupid. Like ghosts, ghost poop would be strictly ethereal and thus would not accumulate in a toilet. With the exception of Slimer, ghosts generally do not eat and thus would not need to digest food, hence the fact you never see ghost toilets, although there is a demon toilet Ghostbusters toy from the 80’s where the seat lifts up to expose pointed teeth and eyes pop out of the tank. So non corporeal things that do not eat would not be filling the toilets up with green glowing ectopoop, so that theory is bunk. Maybe the ship’s plumbing has the water replaced with ectoplasm in the same fashion as the sewers did in Ghostbusters II. Like how many licks it takes to get the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop, the world may never know. All that we know is a couple staff members for this site put way too much thought in this and chose to write about it versus any number of worthwhile articles. Any other thoughts on our theories or any new theories are welcome in the comments to further this discussion. Any enlightenment on the subject from any of our readers would be greatly appreciated.
Jason’s Counterpoint: The proceeding article assumes that the waste in question is indeed fecal matter. I would posit that, if it were waste, the frequency of the material would suggest that it is urine. But, truly, I don’t think this is waste. Instead, the ship seems to be a misguided boondoggle by a billionaire with more money than taste. This is a billionaire who has taken a special liking to the shower scene in Starship Troopers, and encourages intergender, communal toilets. This infatuation is combined with import vehicle tuning culture. That’s some underglow there, such as one would see in a Fast & Furious flick. Specialized neon lighting to let all the bowel evacuators in the room know who’$#!& be the most bangin’. And that is everyone’s. Furthermore, I believe that there were some freaky parties going on aboard this hulking vessel. Seeing as the proprietor of the ship is into movies, a documentary/furry fetish film was created. It was called The Fast & The Furriest Aboard the Starship Trooper Poopers.
Of course Jason has to be a giant pain in the butt like always and wait until after we have spent hours discussing things like radioactive poop to contribute a paragraph that doesn’t even remotely touch on anything relating to the topic. He really just wanted to use the adult film titles in the last sentence of his counterpoint and had to find a way to shoehorn them in. Jason’s commentary is as welcome as Ned Flanders at an Electric Hellfire Club concert, and we have a saying for Jason at those type of events: Screw Flanders.
Jason’s Counter Counterpoint: You are just objecting to my counterpoint so you can end the article with Screw Flanders.